Do you deserve treat?

I remember a time several years ago that I’d lost some weight, and I was chatting with my sister about it.

Now that I’d lost these 5 pounds, I said, I could go to work on losing the next 5 pounds, which I’d gained during the holidays -- from three years ago, I joked.

I often used self-deprecating humor to make jabs at my own expense.

I’d make fun of myself before someone else could.

It was also part of my armor to keep from feeling.

But part of me really thought that way about my body, and my weight.

I would stand in front of the mirror and squeeze the extra skin in my mid-section and recall the late-night meals eaten during the last conference I attended for work or the mindless snacking I did while grading student papers or the generous glasses of wine I’d poured all through the last month...just because.

Almost like the inner rings of a tree trunk, I’d think of the pounds I had gained in layers, and justify each one. 

With each layer or experience I recalled, came a judgment.

It was my way of “keeping myself in check.” 

If I could name a reason, an experience, a memory of WHY those pounds were there, I could keep from feeling the emotions that laid just below the surface.

When I felt overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, you name it, I’d distract myself with food.

And so many times those snacks came at the end of a long day, and also came with me telling myself simply: “I deserve a treat.”

Years later, when I learned about the ways I was using food to numb my emotions, I remember being a little dumbfounded.

“I deserve a treat!?” I asked.

Were those four little words really what I had used to justify all the overeating I had been doing?

Learning to hear those pesky little thoughts was the beginning of learning to feel.

“I deserve a treat” became the signal that something was up -- I needed to stop and figure out what was really going on.

Instead of distracting myself from the sadness or frustration or overwhelm, I had to learn to feel those things, and to know that I could handle them.

And it’s why I can now see that losing a few pounds was great, but losing the emotional weight?

For me, that has been true freedom.